"Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll"

feeling like poo..

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 03:34:25 GMT

I just feel like a piece of shit. Honestly I feel like everyone is ganging up on me. People don't see how me and derek are alone, there are two sides to every story but for some reason my story is a lie. I admit when It's my fault all the time. I am completly in love with derek, head over heals shoot for the stars for him, I will do anything for him. He is my heart, my lover, and my bestfriend, and I hate making him upset. It seems like I make him upset all the time, I try to so hard, really I do, but I always mess up. I think I'm gonna go back to my therapist cause I have alot of problems dealing with things every since my father passed away and I'm sick of ppl saying thats an excuse cause my family is messed up because of it, I cant see my family cause they hate my mom for dating someone and just so many family problems, I just need to talk to someone that doesnt know every little detail about my life right now so I can get help. It helped me alot when I went and I think I'm gonna put aside some money so i can go again. I will do anything to make derek happy because my love for him is so strong. I'm gonna go to bed and stop thinkin for a little....

Ryan Downs I miss you as a friend and I'm sorry that I upset you, I know I can't take the things I did back, but please don't lose respect in me as your friend.

its been a long time..

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 20:18:13 GMT

I know I do things wrong alot and I'm a bitch at times and I make mistakes, but hey I'm human everyone does it. But sometimes I get blamed for stuff that I did not do, and I'm good at admitting when I do wrong or I'm a bitch, and when I know I didn't do those things and ppl think I do I get so upset cause I know I'm not the one to blame. Just for one tiny example : Derek locked his keys in his car the oher night and blamed it on me cause I called, im like wtf thats fuckin gay, if you look at the situation I almost died laughin cause he thought it was my fault, I've been treatin derek alot better and I've been better about things, but now it seems that when i get nicer I get blamed for a whole bunch of stuff. But whatever its not that big of a deal but sometimes the little things can bother a person more than the big stuff. I just want to be the good girlfriend ya know. but I love derek so I will do whatever it takes to make him happy. Well I just needed to vent so peace..<3

hahahhahahafuckyouhahahahahha

Thu, 10 May 2007 00:19:45 GMT

I can call my bf on the phone whenever i want, hes my fuckin bf get the fuck over it, i know the words he says arent real, friends make him think that way and it pisses me off, cause i get treated like shit....omg i feel like im in 5th grade.

wow....

Mon, 07 May 2007 19:47:51 GMT

okay really im not a psycho bitch, people just dont fuckin listen and look at the other side of the story. And thats cool if noone likes me, im too busy with work to care.kbye.

wtf ever dude...

Wed, 02 May 2007 23:39:47 GMT

I fuckin hate this!!!!! Dereks phone died he has my shit he never calls me back, i just get so pissed and cry, thats mean find a fuckin phone and call me back! I hate how I never have alone time with him anymore, I work mornings he works nights, then he goes and hangs out with his friends and I cant go cause i work in the morning. People think I spend to much time with him but thats fuckin bullshit cause i don't. I just wish things were different and we had more alone time, the only alone time we have is for like 20 min. ughhhhh I hate this so much, noone understands. I've just been so depressed latly. Thats why i cant wait till we go to florida and get away from everything, so it will be me and him for a week. I'm not selfish at all, ppl just don't see whats real. I just miss being cute with him, but its like we work to much to have time to look at eachother in the eyes and say i love you. You know what we do its a quick kiss and a quick loveyoubye! The only day that i ever have off is wed. and of course I can't go near a wed. I mean i have respect for that and all but its like thats the only day. So instead i sit at home all day crying my eyes out and sittin on the fucking computer, sounds fun right. And no i dont want your fuckin sympathy. I hate everything right now......

Mcr! <3

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 19:32:25 GMT

So on Wed. Derek<3 , Ryan, Nathan, and I went to see My Chemical Romance and Rise Against. The drive there was cute cause we were all excited! We got there, stood in line outside forever, My tits were bout to fall off. Then we got in took pees and went to the floor. Rise against came on and I really don't like them at all, but I thought maybe I would like them live....um yea right they were horrible and their set was the worst. Then Mcr came on and their set was sooo awesome, they put on a really kickass show, I was one happy girl! Spending time with Derek, Ryan, and Nathan makes me happy, I love it! Derek and I took two days off of good ole Chuck E. Cheese, it felt awesome but now we gotta go back today...ughhh I hate it! But anywho, just wanted to post this entry bout the concert so yea I'm done fer nowww.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 01:38:06 GMT

I love my boyfriend :o) ...and yea that's pretty much it

I'm really starting to believe life is a bitch..

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 20:15:20 GMT

I've been having a really shitty week, probably even month. I work like everyday, which isn't so bad cause it gets my mind of of other things. I feel really lonely latly, I mean I know I'm with derek and all and yea its amazing i love him, but its not that type of lonely, it's just this depressed kinda lonely , it'd weird I can't explain it. I hate that my mom is out with her boyfriend all the time, and I've even been ditched for him. I hate that my brother is moved out, It's quiet and lonely at my house. Derek and I fight all the time for no good reason, we both love stating opinons and fighting for what we believe in so the battle is never done. I know I'm a horrible gf but I'm trying, I just have a lot of stress built up. I hate when derek doesnt tell me his feelings and I have to guess, it just makes everything more difficult. I just wish we would stop fighting. My tech manager at work today told me if there isn't any drama in a relationship it's so boring and lame, I thought about that, and ya know it really is, like if everything was fine and we didnt argue, that would be kinda boring ya know. But i seriosuly hate fighting, it makes me sad. I'm glad I work at Chuck E. Cheese because i have friends there, all my other friends are gone. I'm also sick of people talkin shit behind my back, pushing me around, and calling me a bitch. Yea I have feelings also. But whatever I'm sure things will get better, I just hate feeling sad all the fucking time. p.s. i hate hangin out with myself.

Update..

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:48:50 GMT

So I haven't updated this in a long time. Derek and I are doing soo amazing, I mean of course we still argue but who doesn't. Christmas and New years was a good time, It sucked without my daddy though. I went over Ryan's for New Years and had a wonderful time. um.. I work alot laltly, but it's cool cause Derek and I work together, but not the same shifts all the time, but still I like it! I seen Rocky Balboa last night by myself lol cause Derek was at work and I don't think anyone else would have wanted to go with me. Going to the movies by yourself is actually kinda fun lol. The movie was so heart warming. It was amazing, maybe even better than Rocky 4. Yep, I said it I think it may be better. Well nothing else is really exciting in my life so until next time... <3

hmm....

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 05:58:45 GMT

I can't stop having these negative feelings, I don't mean to have them but everything that i think or say latly is so negative. I know some of it is because it's the holidays and my dad isn't around and I just hate life because of it, and my brother moved out, and it upsets me that he did. Also I feel like I can't make derek happy anymore. All I do is bitch and make him upset, and I feel as if I'm not good enough and I get jealoous and scared because I'm not being a good girlfriend, I never am. Derek invited me to this party where nobody likes me, only a selected few. Little does derek know I cry everynight cause his friends dont like me, I know I say I don't care what people think of me, but being the person that everyone hates hurts so much that it makes me hate myself and think shit of myself everyday, and I'm scared to go to this party cause I know someone will say something to someone about me or something and I will just cry and leave. I hate the fact sometimes that derek is good looking and has a good personality cause alot of girls like him, I may not be making sense but I don't care at this moment, It's just livejournal. I just don't know anymore...

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 16:37:30 GMT

I had the best birthday ever :o)

wtf dude?

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 22:06:44 GMT

Ughhh I hate it when people can't think for themselves and they let others tell them what to do. People have their own minds let them do what they want and stop telling them stupid shit, you are makin other ppl's lifes shitty, congrats for being stupid...

<3

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 17:38:58 GMT

So I came to the conclusion that now I love my job. I hated it when I first started but now that I pretty much know everyone it's sweet. I actually wake up in the morning wanting to go to work, it's weird but cool. And yea that's pretty much it. My 18th b-day is sunday...yay!!!!!

I hate Chuck E. Cheese!

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 15:01:39 GMT

So I work at Chuck E. Cheeses and I fuckin hate it, but it pays good and gives me good hours. But seriously the hours go by sooooo damn slow I can't handle it, my other jobs the hours would go by freakin fast. And this job is over staffed and sometimes I just don't know what to do. I get frusterated with it and i get off work and cry sometimes cause it's so much and its soo stressful, But i guess every job is ya know, but still they got me on full time and I don't want that. But besides the working world, my life is just perfect! Derek and I are hangin out alot alot and I love it, and we don't fight as much and we respect eachother, except for I have bitchy moments alot but hey I'm workin on it cause I care so much for him<3 I've been also just chillin at salinas everynight with the boys (Derek, Ryan, Brandon) and I like being around my friends cause it makes stupid stressful work go away in my head. But I have to end this entry like right now cause you know what time it is........yea work time...ughhhhhhhh

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 23:45:55 GMT

So since it's getting close to my 18th b-day and the holiday season I've been missin my daddy really bad. I've been getting frusterrated and crying and just not in good moods, and my friends have to deal with that and I feel bad, but i don't say anything cause they don't understand, it's not an excuse it's just how i am about this situation. Its really sucky. But on a better note I have been having fun latly, and I've been happy most of the time..lol kbyenowletsparty!! <3

:o)

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 15:56:44 GMT

The past 3 days have just been so great, and I've been really happpyyyyy :o) yay! <3

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 14:02:59 GMT

Ugh I'm so stupid, I should have never said anything.... But I just couldn't help it.

yep

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 14:03:49 GMT

Your words are getting old, you use them too much, and everyone believes them, I mean I want to, but I know you more than you know yourselve most of the time, and I just can't. I have to sit back and laugh sometimes because I just don't understand the things you do. And there are these poor girls that believe everything you say, and I wish I could sit down with all of them sometimes and tell them my story and how I learned what the nice things you say really mean, but I don't think I would ever do that, just because like all of the rest of them, I care so much about you. But I unlike the rest have a good fuckin reason to care for you, We have been through so much shit, and we actually were in love for quite some time. All I ask of you is to not lie to anyone anymore, just be truthful, because in the end people will catch you in lies, and you will be just screwed. I'm not dissing you at all, but I just want you to know I care for you and I don't want you to screw up your life. <3

hmm....

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 13:11:52 GMT

You know what the best feeling in the world is....being ditched, yea I feel so great after that. </3

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 03:19:30 GMT

I swear I'm like bi-polar or something cause one day I'm all depressed and the other everythings fine and I just love everyone, and I'm happy....maybe I should check in to asking a doctor lol

I wish...

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 22:50:56 GMT

I wish you never told your friends how I am, I wish people didn't know how I use to be, I wish people liked me, I wish I could be loved, I wish you didn't treat me the way you do, I wish I could be nice, I wish I could make you happy, I wish you would make time for me, I wish you cared for me, I wish I didn't feel alone when I'm with you, I wish I was the girl you thought great about, and not the girl that pisses you off, I wish I could change and be someone I'm not, just for you. I wish I was yours...... </3

welp, what do ya know...

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 03:43:11 GMT

I just don't understand one bit!!! Your so confusing I hate it ....I wish I could tell you how I feel ,but it will just scare you away. I don't know what to do....

yuppp

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 03:35:21 GMT

I finally got a job, as a waitress yea me as a waitress we will see how it will go..lol but i work with salina so it should be fun, and other than that my life is goin pretty darn good <3

Sorry but...

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 22:01:56 GMT

The only reason I'm jealous is because....I don't trust you.... :o(

This is such a great song!

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 03:41:21 GMT

So I was listening to the radio (the oldie station of course) and this amazing funny cute song came on and it's by ringo starr from the beatles. Here are the lyrics :

RINGO STARR | The No-No Song Lyrics

A LADY THAT I KNOW JUST CAME FROM COLUMBIA,
SHE SMILED BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEN SHE HELD OUT SOME MARIJUANA, HA HA!
SHE SAID IT WAS THE BEST IN ALL THE LAND.

AND I SAID,
"NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T SMOKE IT NO MORE,
I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR.
NO, THANK YOU, PLEASE, IT ONLY MAKES ME SNEEZE,
THEN IT MAKES IT HARD TO FIND THE DOOR."

A WOMAN THAT I KNOW JUST CAME FROM MAJORCA, SPAIN,
SHE SMILED BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEN SHE HELD OUT A TEN POUND BAG OF COCAINE,
SHE SAID IT WAS THE BEST IN ALL THE LAND.

AND I SAID,
"NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T SNIFF IT NO MORE,
I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR.
NO, THANK YOU, PLEASE, IT ONLY MAKES ME SNEEZE,
AND THEN IT MAKES IT HARD TO FIND THE DOOR."

A MAN I KNOW JUST CAME FROM NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE,
HE SMILED BECAUSE I DID NOT UNDERSTAND.
THEN HE HELD OUT SOME MOONSHINE WHISKEY, OH HO,
HE SAID IT WAS THE BEST IN ALL THE LAND.

AND I SAID,
"NO, NO, NO, NO, I DON'T DRINK IT NO MORE,
I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP ON THE FLOOR.
NO, THANK YOU, PLEASE, IT ONLY MAKES ME SNEEZE,
AND THEN IT MAKES IT HARD TO FIND THE DOOR."